i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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