You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
