just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
