I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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