i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
