after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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