P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
