Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
