its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
