dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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