There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
