after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
