it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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