sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
