dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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