I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
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I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
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Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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