I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
BRING THE BAGELS
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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