I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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