dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
