If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Randomize
