there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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