The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Pants are for mortals
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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