dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
