i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
