Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
