I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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