Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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