Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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