He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
