I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
