i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
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