Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
