Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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