i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
