i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
