i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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