its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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