i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
