i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
