1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Randomize
