I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
