We're facebook friends in real life
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
