Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
