she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
