So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
