remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
