I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
