Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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