This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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