Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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