Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
