"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
high people should be assigned attendants
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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