who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
