just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
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