I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
