My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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