I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
