how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
