There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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