And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!