Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
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I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
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Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.